Today I walked. Generally walking is not my choice of exercise as I prefer to run but I realised that I was too frustrated to run therefor I walked. Or maybe I was hurt. “Mad” sounds tougher actually. Yes, I walked because I was too mad to run. Granted my walk was very fast. And firm. I walked with purpose. So as I walked, my arms in staccato, I started to replay the scenario in my head so I could find some resolution. Some time ago I made a decision that I will resolve what I can with myself first, not other people. Once I made that decision I had to view conflict and general annoyances as opportunities to be better. Why would I make such a decision? I ask myself that every day. It was so much easier before. But it's almost like bringing kids into your life - once you feel their goodness, you can't go back. It was in a few occasions that I “saw the light” and found it in me to really “rise above” and there is where I realised the freedom in being independent from reactions. It's not that I don't acknowledge what I'm feeling. What it really means is that I check my ego at the door.
So as I walked I was furious with the politics in relationships. Like politicians, people do it all the time – attack and minimize the others contributions or efforts. Strategically, it is not wise to accept, believe or acknowledge how much one party actually offers, it's always better to minimize it. Because in politics someone always wants to look like the hero and nobody want's to check their ego at the door. I suppose the concept of partnership is different for everyone and “equally valued” are not necessarily the operative words. So as the scenario became more involved in my head, I continued to walk quietly. I don't yell. I don't even like to raise my voice. So I thought about all the hurtful things I could say, all the ways I could retaliate, ways I could close myself off, be present but give nothing. Just detach. I will confess that I did consider taking sharp objects to significant artefacts. I also envisioned my six inch stiletto heels shimmering in the air like a G6. Imagine a game of darts – only better. Yes, I imagined retaliation with a sharp tongue because what I want is to be equally valued, respected, appreciated....and then it hit me...I want....I need....I...I....I....While walking on a steep uphill, this is what I realised.
So 90 minutes later (yes, I was THAT mad) I was a little clearer on the whole “ego” thing and how to rise above it all (slight eye roll here). It's not exactly that after my walk I suddenly had a solution but I resolved that making progress is a work in progress. And don't call me for Parenting 101. The whole 90 minutes both kids we're glued to the TV. It was like a scene out of Poltergeist – I was expecting to watch my kids disappear into the television. We all know to relieve stress you need coping mechanisms and a place to channel anger - and exercise is one of the best ways. At some point in my silence all I could hear was my rapid breath and feet and in a way the constant repetition became meditative. So soon enough I was relaxed and even smiley. Visions of flying shoes and sharp objects: gone. All because I decided to take a walk, and check me ego at the door.
Enjoy yourself in good health and fitness/gena.